A collection of quotes by Duckman.
Season 1 Edit
- "Come here chicken & prepare to meet your colonel."
- "Alright let's go. These candies melt, I can't use them as slugs in the toll basket."
- "Duckman. Duckman with a D. In fact PHD. Loveology. Perhaps you'd care to stay after class while I grade on your curves?"
- "The boy is fifteen years old. He still hasn't mastered the four slice toaster."
- "Goodnight Charles, goodnight… Err… Charles' brother."
- "OK, Final Offer! 500 Bucks to do a couple of jumping jacks and I don't even have to be in the room... just phone me & tell me when you do em!"
- "Sorry, I didn't hear you, I was staring at your breasts."
- "Thin-skinned no-humor pansies! You tell them an ice breaker or two about women's libbers, gays, environmentalists, several minorities, the homeless, a couple of religions, anorexics, obese people, the handicapped, old-farts, baldness & people who walk real goofy cause they just had a vasectomy and suddenly they get all sensitive! Like I offended one of them or something?"
- "What do ya think of that Corny? You're working for the Biggest American Dick ever!"
- "Mayor Whitman!! The man who brought honesty & fairness to municipal politics, the man who cleansed city hall of corruption, the man I voted for SIX times in the last election?"
- "What the hell are YOU staring at?!"
- "Expunge? Wouldn't happen to be German for reward…"
- "Wait! I have lots of ideas for societies! What about a society where everyone has to hop? Or a society where the seats face the back of the car, and it's real hard to drive…?"
- "Beatrice made me a better person, without her here to help, I'm just not a very good father."
- "Here's five bucks, buy yourself a book on solving teenagers problems."
- Duckman: "I'm very sexually active." Mistress Nina: "I meant with another person". Duckman: - "Oh.... No."
- Cornfed: "The look promises a night of comparing hard to find birth-marks in a hot bubble bath, but all you get is a slap in the face & a cold shower". Duckman: "How hard a slap?"
Season 2 Edit
- "I look at breasts. And I'm a detective. But mainly the breast thing."
- "I'm your dad. I wanna know these things so I can fix them."
- Duckman: "Well I hate to prick your balloon." Bernice: "The phrase is burst your bubble." Duckman: "I know, I just like finding an opportunity to say prick."
Season 3 Edit
- "I am not an animal! Okay, I'm kind of an animal. I mean, a few of my features are animal like, and I don't wear clothes and I smell a little outdoorsy most of the time, but I have a job and I talk and stuff too, so when I say I'm not an animal, I think technically I'm on solid ground."
- Past Duckman: "Am I doing the right thing, marrying Beatrice?" Duckman: [pauses to think] "You're gonna love her until the day you die."
- Charles: "Dad, will you leave Grandma-ma alone? You've been poking at her and prodding at her for three days now." Duckman: "Poking and prodding is what a dick does. [chuckles to himself] They just write themselves."
- Cornfed: "You can't keep us here, you know. We're Americans. We have rights." Duckman: "Including the right to bare arms! So can we like, have some guns?"
- Ajax: "My teacher says every bad experience teaches us a lesson." Duckman: "Ajax, your teacher is wrong."
- "Thanks guys. I sure love you a lot too."
- Fluffy: "Let's move on to the word association part of the test." Duckman: "Breasts." Uranus: "Mr. Duckman, we haven't even…" Duckman: "Breasts."
- Iggy Catalpa: "You're only here because of your friendship with the most brilliant mind the world has ever known!" Duckman: "Charlie Rose!? We're not friends! It was one night, I was drunk!"
- Bernice: "Something funny's going on around here…" Duckman: "It's about time, I'm getting sick of all the social commentary."
- And when you think about it, isn't that exactly the point? Parking. And driving. And shopping. And eating. And working. Somewhere, somehow, they're different now, none of 'em are the same, they all got chewed up and spit back out, and they don't taste like living anymore! Don't you see what it's like in this deranged Whirring Blender of a world?! Every day is an agonizing ordeal, like balancing a pot of scalding water on your head while people whip your legs and butt … Aaaah, you never forget your senior prom … YOU think I'm "sick"?! Well the only disease I've got is "Modern Life," a schnutbusting gauntlet of inefficiency and misery that's one long parade of let-downs, put-downs, trickle downs, shutouts, freeze outs, sell-outs, numnuts, nincompoops and nimrods, all making every day as much fun as waxing a flaming Pontiac with your tongue, where even if you do luck into the possibility of some fleeting pleasure, like, say, if some nymphomaniac telephone operator with the muscle control of Romanian mat-slappers agree to a little strip air hockey, it'll be over before it starts 'cuz some vowel-lacking, feta-reeking cab-jockey slams his checker up your hatchback and the cab is owned by some pinata spanker from a Santeria cult in Xoacalpa who starts shaking chicken bones at you and gives you a boil on your neck so big all it needs is Michael Jordan's autograph to make it complete, and even with all this, with ALL THIS, I still drag my sorry butt off the Sealy every morning and stick my face in the reaping machine for one more day, knowing when it's time to flash the cosmic card key at those Pearly Gates, I won't be in the coffin anyway 'cuz some underhanded undertaker sold my heart, pancreas and other assorted Good 'N' Plenty to that same Santeria cult so does anybody really wonder why anybody is hanging onto sanity by the atoms on the tips of their fingernails while life dirty-dances on their digits, and is it really any wonder that I seem DERANGED???!!
Season 4 Edit
- [Alien woman rips off her mask] Duckman: "Khan Chicken!" Khan Chicken: "Duckman…" Duckman: "Does this mean the sex is off?"
- Emily: "No! Not the Vulvan nerve pinch!" Duckman: "I know a variation of that, but it only works on the prostate."
- "Give me a call any time you wanna ride the D-train, oh and congratulations on your breasts."
- Duckman: "Any good?" Ajax: "Fruitier then the others." Duckman: "I told you never to bring up my high school nickname!"
- "Before you came into my life I was a sad, lonely, laughable excuse for a man. You helped me reach deep down inside myself. Touch that place I thought was long dead. I'm talking of course about my prostate."
- Beverly: [To Ajax, Charles and Mambo who are crying] "At least you can take comfort in the fact that he'll be going to a better, happier place." Duckman: "Well, soon my body will be ripped open, my chest hallowed out, my eye lids sown shut, I'll be buried in dirt and worms will devour my flesh!" [Ajax cries even harder] "What's his problem!?"
- "We're in luck. He threw up on me. In frat boy language that means we're in."
- "Name your poison. Ajax, Charles, Mono."
- "Let me tell you a story about a fellow I went to school with. A guy named George Gibb. George couldn't run very fast, or throw very far. He couldn't hit or catch. He was too small and weak, and so, we beat the crap out of him. Daily."
- "King Chicken! What are you doing here!!??"
- "I live with my two or three sons, Ajax and Charles and Mambo."
Video Game Edit
- "No. It doesn't make sense and it's not funny, so I'm not doing it."
- "Back off, Mouse-Jockey. That funeral urn holds my wife's ashes! I'm sure there's some room left. It would be great if her sister, Bernice were there to keep her company!""
- "Why Bernice, if I wasn't repulsed by you and didn't have the urge to vomit up a kidney every time i saw what passes for your face, I'd be flattered."