Quotes/Bernice

A collection of quotes by Bernice.

Season 1

"And if anybody fails to do that. I'll make his life a living hell." [Duckman raises his hand.] "A worse one then it is now!"
Duckman: "I was attacked, beaten, left for dead". Bernice: "I told you not to join a record and tape club."
Cornfed: "I came as soon as I heard Duckman was missing." Bernice: "Me too, but then I got worried."

"WHAT!!? YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRYING ME BECAUSE I REMINDED YOU OF YOUR MOTHER!!! That and the fact I could split coconuts with my thighs."

"Harassment is a horrible thing, but maybe a few of us have started to see it where it doesn't exist. If we're too cautious the passion, the spontaneity, the risk-taking, could be replaced by meaningless, stilted, robotic exchanges. And we'll never recapture the more interesting awkwardness that comes from simple attraction. "
"Unfortunately I didn't hear you or I would have made a joke at your expense."
Emily: "Girlfriend Bernice, I wonder if I could take a bath?" Bernice: "I'm afraid not. Spiders crawled into the tub and we're all scared to go in." Emily: "But I thought women could do anything. We can be astronauts, heads of state, soldiers…" Bernice: "You don't seem to understand, these are spiders!"

Dr. Fox: "We have a domineering mother figure who delights in cruelly emasculating the men in her life." Bernice: "Not just the men!"
(singing) "A child is like a flower that grows before your eyes, it's been home and heart all along home and heart that makes a family strong. From winter to spring to summer to fall, it's been home and hearth all alo- [Bernice gets hit in the face by a bottle as the crowd boo's.]
Bernice: "You know it's so revealing to see the things a man acquires for his home. The things that make him happy." King Chicken: "Not everything a man acquires make him happy. Especially if he didn't comparison shop before hand." Bernice: "I know a perfect store that has everything in just the right size and colour. Too bad it's no longer… Open." King Chicken: "I think said store has forgotten what a long shopping list a certain customer has." Bernice: "No. In fact I think a certain customer should see a professional about a credit extension."
"Oh Kingy, all I want is for you to get a divorce, give up your lifelong dream, settle down in a God forsaken sink hole, work long hours at a poorly payed service industry job, while I get old and fat caring for my dead sisters three children! Is that so much to ask?"
"As I already told you, which I will now repeat, not as clunky exposition but because it feels so damn good."
"Couldn't we have this idiotic conversation some other time? Say at your cremation!"

"Coward. Guess I'll have to be the man and woman of the house."
Old Woman: "I'd just like to know, has she tried a vibrator?" Bernice: "Nah. Those things scare me to death."