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A collection of quotes by Bernice.

Season 1 Edit

  • "And if anybody fails to do that. I'll make his life a living hell." [Duckman raises his hand.] "A worse one then it is now!"
  • Duckman: "I was attacked, beaten, left for dead". Bernice: "I told you not to join a record and tape club."
  • Cornfed: "I came as soon as I heard Duckman was missing." Bernice: "Me too, but then I got worried."

Season 2 Edit

  • "WHAT!!? YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRYING ME BECAUSE I REMINDED YOU OF YOUR MOTHER!!! That and the fact I could split coconuts with my thighs."

Season 3 Edit

  • "Harassment is a horrible thing, but maybe a few of us have started to see it where it doesn't exist. If we're too cautious the passion, the spontaneity, the risk-taking, could be replaced by meaningless, stilted, robotic exchanges. And we'll never recapture the more interesting awkwardness that comes from simple attraction. "
  • "Unfortunately I didn't hear you or I would have made a joke at your expense."
  • Emily: "Girlfriend Bernice, I wonder if I could take a bath?" Bernice: "I'm afraid not. Spiders crawled into the tub and we're all scared to go in." Emily: "But I thought women could do anything. We can be astronauts, heads of state, soldiers…" Bernice: "You don't seem to understand, these are spiders!"

Season 4 Edit

  • Dr. Fox: "We have a domineering mother figure who delights in cruelly emasculating the men in her life." Bernice: "Not just the men!"
  • (singing) "A child is like a flower that grows before your eyes, it's been home and heart all along home and heart that makes a family strong. From winter to spring to summer to fall, it's been home and hearth all alo- [Bernice gets hit in the face by a bottle as the crowd boo's.]
  • Bernice: "You know it's so revealing to see the things a man acquires for his home. The things that make him happy." King Chicken: "Not everything a man acquires make him happy. Especially if he didn't comparison shop before hand." Bernice: "I know a perfect store that has everything in just the right size and colour. Too bad it's no longer… Open." King Chicken: "I think said store has forgotten what a long shopping list a certain customer has." Bernice: "No. In fact I think a certain customer should see a professional about a credit extension."
  • "Oh Kingy, all I want is for you to get a divorce, give up your lifelong dream, settle down in a God forsaken sink hole, work long hours at a poorly payed service industry job, while I get old and fat caring for my dead sisters three children! Is that so much to ask?"
  • "As I already told you, which I will now repeat, not as clunky exposition but because it feels so damn good."
  • "Couldn't we have this idiotic conversation some other time? Say at your cremation!"

Comics Edit

  • "Coward. Guess I'll have to be the man and woman of the house."
  • Old Woman: "I'd just like to know, has she tried a vibrator?" Bernice: "Nah. Those things scare me to death."

Video Game Edit

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